#@!%$ Cancer!!!!

Today was the first day it has ever rained on this date in San Francisco since weather has been recorded. At 8:50 this morning I got a call from my sister that I kind of expected but thought would come later. Some of you know this and others of you don't (That is something I'll address later.) my twin brother was diagnosed in late January with colo-rectal cancer. They did surgery with the hopes of removing the tumor but found that it was too big and had spread out too much for them to remove it. The hope was that they would do chemo-therapy to shrink the tumor enough to then remove it. They have been doing chemo-therapy for four months. Today we found out that not only was the chemo not shrinking the tumor but the tumors that had spread to the liver were multiplying and were really large. He was given two options (1) call in hospice or (2) increase the chemo therapy. The caveat to the second option is that his body is so weak that the doctor expects him to end up in the hospital. Believing he is not strong enough to deal with the chemo. (He is now down to 102 pounds.) To me it sounds like the doctor is giving him the option to die at home or die in the hospital. My brother chose the chemo-therapy route. He believes he is fighting the cancer. I don't know what I would do, particularly if I had 3 children, ages 11, 6, and 2. I think he wants to do all he can to live. And I want him to live to. But it also feels like he could die very soon. There is nothing right about a 35 year old man dieing of colon-cancer, of dieing period. I should be facing the death of a parent not the death of my twin brother. Nothing is right about this. It has been a grey day, as wrong as it was to have rain on this day was it wrong to receive that phone call.

Fortunately, I had an appointment scheduled with my spiritual director for today. So I met with her. I came out with some clarity. What I need is for someone to take all of this away, to take away cancer, to take away all of what is wrong with this. Outside of that I don't know what I need or what I want. But I am so reluctant to even let the people I love know that there is even anything going on that feels so heavy. I feel as if I am carrying this heavy load all by myself. And I somewhat expect the people I love to just know that something is wrong. I also have been told all my life from my famly of origin that family of origin is the only group of people I can depend on, and I know that honestly at times my family of origin is the last group of people I can depend on. So I think I'm afraid that if I ask for support from family of choice that if they fail to support me then I will be completely alone and isolated. (I know this is feeling a bit muddled. But I worked it out over and hour and I'm trying to type it in a few minutes.) But essently what I'm saying is that I'm trying to put out that I am carrying this huge burden out there in hopeful expectation that I love the most will support me during this awful time. And trust that someone will offer me the kind of support that I don't even know that I need.

On a completely different note, I went and saw Kiki and Herb last night. I don't know how to describe them. They are a cross between Steve and Edie and the music teacher from Saturday Night Live and the female character is a drag queen. They did a broadway show special event last year and were nominated for a Tony Award. They are freakin hilarious. If you get a chance to see them somewhere near you, go. Funny.