Alright, well the babies are still screaming. But I don't have to grab one. They have just had their baths which they do not like. Let me repeat they do not like to bathe. Isaac has been screaming for the last 52 minutes. Yes we are counting.
So anyway, my brother would do the eyes open but rolled back in his head as well. Or his eyelids would be partially open, etc. It is odd that this is one of my last memories of him and this is one of my first memories of these new people. It is also interesting, --can't really find the right word to describe how this feels--that this is how my sabbatical began and how it is ending. Metaphorically have my eyes been opened so that now I see or am I looking without really seeing?
I'm really beginning to wonder if I even have the energy to be a parent. There are times in my life that I have thought I really wanted to have children. But I really wonder if I have enough desire to be a parent. More importantly I wonder if I have enough energy to give children all the attention they need. Do I even have it in me. Now what I'll also say is that I do not want to have children as a single person. But I think this question comes as I say good bye to a life that was ended young. I say hello to two new lives. And I get older. I guess my biological clock is ticking whether I'm ready to even consider it or not.
My sabbatical really is turning into questions of life and death.
And it is 11:10 and I have to start getting ready for bed so I can get up in a few hours and attend to new life.
Peace out.
1 comment:
Good 'ole biological clocks! Before we had kids, Bill and I asked his parents point blank why they had kids because it is SO time consuming. They responded that they would do it all over again it was so wonderful. The second they handed me my daughter, I understood. I don't mean to be cocky with those who don't have children because I think they can understand quite a bit. But there is something so life-changing about the realization that you are going to be responsible for another person for the next 18 years and possibly for the rest of your life. And it's a good thing . . . in the sense that it feels right . . . at least for us. I hope you can find a soul mate and fall in love with some children along the way . . .yours or someone else's
Post a Comment