My Last Night

It is my last night. I start back to work tomorrow. In many ways I'm ready to begin working again. And also I'm not at all ready. It feels like the last four months went by way too quickly.
It was not at all what I thought it would be. I think what I thought would happen during my sabbatical is that life would stop. That I would just get to escape into a beautiful, easy, utopic world. A place where everything worked out as I planned them, where I was completely well rested, and where people didn't die. But that wasn't the case. And it could never have been the case--just because I wasn't working didn't mean that the world stopped spinning. Honestly it felt like it was spinning faster and more out of control, more out of my control. Does this mean that when I go back to work tomorrow that the world will slow down a bit? I doubt it. It will be no easier when I walk through the doors of my office.
So what am I taking back? Why should I take another sabbatical 4 or 5 years from now, if I'm not going to return well rested? First, I think it is important for the congregation to realize that I am not indispensable, that they can survive with out me. And it is important for me to realize that I am not indispensable, that they can survive without me. And I think I've learned that the world is nearly impossible to control, if not completely impossible. Plans must be held to lightly. I'm sure there are other things, but I don't want to reflect on anything else tonight. I'll start reflecting tomorrow.
I had a great time on Gay Retreat 2008. It was sunny and beautiful. I absolutely love my friends. They are talented, smart, and funny. And honestly one of my new favorite people is Rand, Todd X's boyfriend. He is hilarious and really twisted--so witty. The more time I spend with him the more I love him. We didn't think he was going to make it. So it was really an unexpected gift that he did. The pool and the hot tub were fantastic. And the drinks were awesome.
I'm going to watch TV now and try to relax--even though I already feel my shoulders tensing up a little.

Peace Out!

Packing

I'm getting ready for Gay Retreat 2008. The gays and I go to a house up at the Russian River for the weekend. This is our 4th year. It is great fun. We normally go in August but since I'm on Sabbatical I convinced them to go in June instead. What that means is we are also going on Pride weekend. But we don't mind much missing the crowds. My plan is to stay in the pool until it is time to get in the hot tub. Hopefully, it won't smell like the inside of a fireplace since the whole state is still on fire. I exaggerate--it is really only the northern part of the state. There are apparently about 1000 fires burning right now and only 200 of them were contained this morning. You all know some of the participants in GR 2008 because they are regular contributors to the comments section or have actually made an appearance on the blog. In attendance will be Lee "The Cruise Director" from my last post, Todd X, Alan and David AKA "the Hannukah Hotties", Justin of studiovoxpop, Clark, and Kurt.

One last thing before Kathie Griffin's My Life on the D List begins. On the way back from the Frida Kahlo exhibit today--Alan was driving me home--we saw a sign overhead that has been announcing that Tuesday it is illegal to drive without a handsfree device. (But apparently, according to the Supreme Court, I could use a handgun while driving. ) But it is a electronic side that can also post things like road delays or amber alerts, child abductions and such. That was its intent today, but instead of saying Child Abduction it said Chili Abduction. What would a chili abduction look like? And it said that it was in a blue honda. Did the abductor put said chili in another container or was it just oozing all over the car?

Alright, I'll let you know about the weekend. You let me know if you find the stolen chili.

Really!?!

(1) I'm watching Wheel of Fortune and this is what I want to know. Why do men where toupee's? Seriously, do they think they are fooling anyone? Does bad hair make them feel more confident than no hair? I hope that if I begin to lose my hair I'll have the good sense to shave it all off.

(2) I'm in the final days of my sabbatical. And I need some suggestions on what to do Wednesday and Thursday and then on Monday. (I start back on Tuesday.) Friday through Sunday I'm going to the Russian River with the gays. We are missing Pride weekend here in the city. But we'll have a little mini-pride festival at our little house on the river. But outside of eating and sleeping I want to do some playing as well. I'm going to see the Freda Kahlo exhibit at the SF Museum of Modern Art but I won't spend a lot of time there. So help me out. Give me some suggestions on how I can use my last few days to play.

Thanks.

Get Stupid

It is hot here. Not hot like it is in other places but hot for here. It was even hot in my basement apartment. So I went to see a movie this afternoon. I saw Get Smart. It got a terrible review in the paper and even on NPR. Even though I love Steve Carrel and I had been excited about seeing it after reading and hearing the reviews I had pretty low expectations going into it. Well let me tell you even with low expectations it still sucked. I don't even know if the word "sucked" best describes it. The trailers were better than the actual movie. At one point I actually listed to a voice message that came in on my telephone and sent a text message reply.
The best parts of the movie were the air conditioning and the Nathan's hot dog I ate in my seat before the movie started.

I can't tell you enough to not go see this movie. Unless you really want to escape the heat. And even then I'd just suggest you go to a Starbucks or a McDonalds or a Shell station. Because any of that would be better than this movie and a whole hell of a lot cheaper.

Too bad.

Peace out!

Up on the Roof

So it has been a while since I posted and an even longer time since I posted a talky blog. So here you go. I'm guessing it is kind of crappy and possibly will make you dizzy a few times. But enjoy.



Can you believe I spent the whole time obsessing over my weight and my chin? I got to get some help.

Peace out!

Happy Father's Day

I'm thinking about Dad's today. Specifically, I'm thinking about the fact that my niece and nephews are missing their father today. So I talked with them. It was good. The tombstone was place on the grave this week. It is interesting that they don't even call them tombstones anymore, instead it is a grave marker. Boy do we want to sanitize death.

So anyway I'm grateful for my Dad. I'm grateful that I have had a long time to know him. Granted, he has made me crazy much of my adult life, but still I am grateful that he is still around. (My parents celebrated their 45th wedding anniversary yesterday.) I was particularly grateful today for what he has taught me, how to change a flat tire. I got in the car this morning to move it so I could get to the washing machine and I noticed that it was leaning to the left. Since my garage is level and not slanted I thought this wasn't quite right. And sure enough a tire was flat. I had apparently run over a nail.

I remember when my Dad taught me how to change a tire. It was my junior year of high school. My friend Ingrid and I had gone to take a picture for the yearbook. It was the cheerleader's group picture. Anyway we were driving my dad's big white pick-up truck. As we were leaving I ran over a curb and that was all it took. I blew the tire and I had no idea how to change it. So I called my Dad who came to the rescue. But really he came to teach me how. You know the buy a man a fish he eats for a day, etc.... So he taught me how and I've never forgotten. And I've changed a number of tires since, including one in a large suburban at 2 am in the middle of the dark Georgia woods. But that is another story for another day.

So today I'll say thanks Dad.

Peace out!

Children

So I'm sitting in a coffee shop this afternoon, spending a little time away from the babies. I'm really having a great time with them, although, I'm very tired. It is interesting to me to be involved in this part of a baby's life. I'm helping to feed and clean, but I'm not their parent. I feel very fortunate to be allowed into this intimate time in their life and their parent's life.
In being a part of this intimate part of their early life I'm reminded of an intimate part of my niece and nephews' lives. The time when their father was leaving this physical world. I've wanted to write about this for a while because even though it is not completely my story I am and was intimately connected to it.
My brother had three children, a 13 year old boy, a 7 year old girl, and a 3 year old boy. The youngest turned 3 on Wednesday before his father died on Friday. They had all had a horrible year in a house where their father was dying on their living room sofa. They couldn't make much noise especially in the living room. They spent a lot of time at my parents, their grandparents' house next door.
I arrived on Monday--my brother had been in hospice care for a week. On that Monday a hospital bed was brought into the house, specifically the living room, so that my brother might be more comfortable. All of this happened while the kids were at school. So I met the two oldest at the bus stop and I walked them home. I explained to them that a new bed had been brought into the house so that "Dad would be more comfortable." My nephew said, "I know. Mom told me all about it." When we got to the house my niece walked in, stopped at the door, and exclaimed "Everything is different. This doesn't even feel like my house any more." She was right everything was different. And her house would never be the same.
On Monday the home hospice nurse told my sister-in-law that most likely by Thursday my brother would get to the point where he could no longer get out of bed to go to the bathroom and that it would probably be best if he wen to a hospice care center because it would be too disruptive for the kids.. By Tuesday morning that was the case. So while the kids were at school, or in the case of my niece at my grandmothers because she was home sick from school, a medical transport came and picked up my brother and took him away for the last time from his home. (One of the most difficult events I've ever witnessed.) Once again I met my nephew at the bus stop and explained to him that Dad had gone to a hospice facility. I asked him if his mom had talked about this with him? He said no and then he said "but I"m kind of used to surprises now." It had been a year full of surprises.
We took turns spending the night with my brother at the hospice center. Well in reality we took turns staying with my mother who would not leave the hospice center. My nieces and nephews would go to my grandmother's house which was half way between the hospice center and their house. They would get fed and bathed there and then their mother would pick them up and take them home at night. She would spend the day at the hospice center but then felt it was really important to take them home at night, an attempt at normalcy. I took them to see their father on that first night. And the 7 year old said to him "it is okay to go daddy." She believed that he was going to heaven where God had a job for him.
The next night we were sitting at the table having dinner and the oldest one said that he was going to stay at the hospice center on Friday night. My niece responded, "that is if Daddy is still alive." She didn't say it with malice or to get to her brother instead it was just a statement of face. And indeed he did not get to spend the night at the hospice center on Friday night because my brother died that morning.
One of the nights that my brother was in the hospice center my sister was staying at my sister-in-laws with her and the kids in case my sister-in-law needed to leave in the middle of the night to come to the hospice center. My niece got out a toy guitar and brought it into the living room and said to my sister "I can play this in here tonight. Daddy isn't here." She could once again live in her house, a house that had been all about dying for too long.
I don't know if children are wiser or more innocent or any thing other cliche people can come up with to talk about children. I just know that they are little humans who feel what we feel. They deserve a life where they are protected and held, a life where they know that they are loved and accepted.
I hold these two twins in my arms and hope and pray that they have lives that are full of joy and love. I pray that their lives will be long and that their trials will be be small. But in reality I know that none of that is guaranteed. So for now I will love them and their parents will protect them. As the song from Avenue Q goes, "for now."

The cutes babies

Beleagured post Part II (READ PART I FIRST)

Alright, well the babies are still screaming. But I don't have to grab one. They have just had their baths which they do not like. Let me repeat they do not like to bathe. Isaac has been screaming for the last 52 minutes. Yes we are counting.

So anyway, my brother would do the eyes open but rolled back in his head as well. Or his eyelids would be partially open, etc. It is odd that this is one of my last memories of him and this is one of my first memories of these new people. It is also interesting, --can't really find the right word to describe how this feels--that this is how my sabbatical began and how it is ending. Metaphorically have my eyes been opened so that now I see or am I looking without really seeing?

I'm really beginning to wonder if I even have the energy to be a parent. There are times in my life that I have thought I really wanted to have children. But I really wonder if I have enough desire to be a parent. More importantly I wonder if I have enough energy to give children all the attention they need. Do I even have it in me. Now what I'll also say is that I do not want to have children as a single person. But I think this question comes as I say good bye to a life that was ended young. I say hello to two new lives. And I get older. I guess my biological clock is ticking whether I'm ready to even consider it or not.

My sabbatical really is turning into questions of life and death.

And it is 11:10 and I have to start getting ready for bed so I can get up in a few hours and attend to new life.

Peace out.

A beleagured post

Well it has been several days since my last post. I have been in San Diego since Sunday with my friends Mark and Mary Sue and their son and daughter, Isaac and Hannah. I absolutely love these kids. They are 6 weeks old. And they need a lot of attention. I came to help out as Mark started back to work yesterday. So I've been doing late night feedings, changing diapers, and holding crying babies. The free time I do have is usually used for sleeping. I have a much better idea about parenting than I did before (already) and I had a pretty good idea before. I'm not sure I'm cut out for it. I'll say a little bit about that but first a couple of observations.

(1) There really is an episode of Law and Order at all hours of the day. Even 3 o'clock in the morning.

(2) When babies are this young they do something that is very similar to what my brother did at the end of his life. They'll have their eyelids open or partially closed and roll their eyes around sometimes up in their heads.

I'll write again soon--crying baby.