Okay, I try and typically write only about my story. And to a certain extent I'm going to do that today. However, in many ways this is not my story. And I will freely admit that I have no way of knowing what I would do if I were in a differently situation.
But today I was watching Oprah and she had a variety of women who have struggled with infertility. Now I'm at a point in my life when many of my friends are dealing with infertility issues. Some have been successful in getting pregnant and some have not. But the people on Oprah today were doing something that I think is a bit extreme. The first couple was a couple who have hired a surrogate in India. According to the program in the United States surrogacy could cost as much as $80,000 but in India this couple is paying $5000. Now that $5000 in India is helping a woman buy a home and better provide for her family. So the money is doing good work. And it was framed as women helping women. The other story was Alexis Stewart, Martha's daughter. She is spending approximately $28,000/month to get pregnant through IVF.
Now again, I don't have any idea what it would feel like not to be able to do somethign that should be a biological given. And I know from my friends who are unable to get pregnant how painful this can be. And I think the ways that we are able to medically help people get pregant are really wonderful. But when does all of it become unethical? And I would guess that the ethical line is different for everyone.
And again, I realize this entry is treading on ground that I have no real experience with, and in many ways will never have experience with. But I think today I was just grieving for the children in this country that won't be adopted because a couple decided to hire a surrogate in India or another women is spending thousands of dollars a month. And I know that adoption is also fraught with all sorts of problems as well.
And I know that there are people who will read this that have struggled with these very issues. I don't even know what my point was in writing this. Except to get out what I was feeling. And know that I am not trying to judge anyone who has made any of these choices. One of the women who was on the show today when asked about people having ethical issues with what she was doing responded, "who is anyone to judge what I am doing" And I'm not judging her, or maybe I am. I don't want to judger her for doing what she is doing.
I think there was just so much there. So many questions for me.
For those of you who this is a much more real issue than it is for me, I hope that you will hear me saying that I support whatever is the best decision that have to make. Alright, I'm going to stop trying to take care of every reader of this blog, and trust that those of you who know me know the spirit that I'm trying to to say this. (Those of you who don't know me, sorry.)
Peace out.
7 comments:
I think part of the problem is that is used to be that if you couldn't get pregnant, adoption was a fairly available, easy option. At this point, it really isn't. My brother and his wife tried to adopt an infant in the us for years before they adopted my niece from china. Admittedly, that is different from adopting one of the thousands of older children in the US, but that also is fraught with issues. Not everyone is prepared to take on the issues associated with a child who has spent time in the foster care system. Its really complicated. But yes, I find myself deeply uncomfortable with the issues surrounding indian surrogacy. Of course, I speak out of the privilege of being a fertile woman with all the children I want...
I took a class in divinity school that was cross listed as a class for both div students and med students. The class focused on the ethical issues involved in pre-birth situations -- from infertility treatments (and asking how many embryos to implant and how many at max to be able to carry to term) to in utero surgeries. None of them were straight answers. I understand that deep desire to be a parent. It took us over a year to conceive Hannah and compared to many of my friends, that was a short period of time, but when a biological child is what you have wanted since you yourself were a child, it's hard to consider other options. It was even hard for me to look at the possibility that this world doesn't need me to add to its population. I just didn't want to go there. As for adoption, I think it too is a very difficult and expensive process that seems only available to the rich or privileged much like infertility treatments. My ethical issues come when anyone who can conceive has a right to her baby, but those who can't are given the run around for someone else to determine if they are "good enough" to be parents. I just don't think that is right or fair. But, as Blythe mentioned, I can't know quite the same way because I have two healthy children that I biologically conceived. There is so much pain there.
It is an ethical issue, because surrogacy in another country - especially any country where that kind of money goes far longer - has such a higher chance of becoming an issue of mass baby factories, and I don't think anyone wants to go there. That would be my greatest fear, that the woman was not doing it from her own free choice, but was pressured or sold into it.
And yet. The desire for a genetic tie to one's child is, for many of us, including myself, extremely important, something that comes from deep within the soul. I think it's that same feeling that to some extent makes me unable to imagine adopting a child out (unless it was an open adoption). And I don't mean to suggest that women who adopt out aren't heartbroken about it, not at all.
I'm lucky in that while I'm pregnant from IVF, I also have a friend who offered to be my surrogate. What's more, I know she'd be able to do it without a problem.
KT, adoption is generally more expensive that IVF, ranging from $20k or more for both international and domestic, unless you adopt from foster care, which might be free. Oh, and it's frequently 'cheaper' if you adopt a non-white child. Not nice, but there it is.
Infertility sucks.
Oro
birchandmaple.blogs.com
Whoa...this is a big one. As someone newly pregnant from IVF, I will admit it was hard for me to read. Mostly, I think, because I struggled with the ethical questions myself. I asked myself the financial questions (in the end, it was much cheaper for us to do IVF than to adopt because we are lucky enough to have insurance that covers most of it). I asked whether I was "entitled" to have my own biological child when so many children need homes. I asked whether in an overpopulated world I should even be thinking of procreating. Old voices from my conservative religious upbringing said that if God wanted me to have children, then it would have been biologically possible without assistance.
When we first visited the fertility center, the doctor wanted to talk to us about IVF and I told him not to bother. I was sure I wouldn't do it. But then we learned it was our only shot of getting pregnant, and I remembered that I wasn't the only person in this equation. My husband and I talked and cried and decided to try it. Of course, we're thrilled with the outcome, but I still feel strange when I tell people we're expecting twins. They always ask which side of the family they run on, and I say "neither." I almost feel like I should confess...but I'm hoping to get over that.
Those of you who know me know my connection to all of this -- 5 failed IVF attempts over 3 years.
I can only add this to the conversation. When infertility treatments looked more likely to be unsuccessful, I though we would explore adoption (I have four nieces and nephews who have been adopted into my family -- both domestic and foreign.) But when the time came to explore that option, there was no energy or passion for it from either my husband or I. I think we have come to a point where we're comfortable and willing to say that we believe that we've been called to something other than parenthood in our life together.
That's not to say that the pain of infertility doesn't still rear it's ugly head. It does and will continue to do so throughout my life, I've come to understand that. But for me there's a gift to being able to open myself to other ways of giving and receiving life. Some of you know about the month I spent in Egypt this summer. One of the reasons it was so powerful for me is precisely because it was such a life-giving, life-affirming experience in a way that I hadn't ever thought possible without children.
A year ago I would have said that I would have given anything to not be infertile. But after my experience in Egypt this summer I can honestly say that I wouldn't trade that experience for anything in the world, not even having a child. If infertility has been the most profound death I have know in my life, I can say with all honesty that this death has ended with resurrection for me.
I'll also add that I've been among those rooting month after month for IVF to work. I've also been the one crying when it doesn't and clapping when it does because parenthood is so deeply important to these people just as it is for me. I sat next to a mom the other day who had triplets who were 9 years old. They were the result of IVF and as I looked at them -- two girls and a boy all very different in looks, I saw how very special each one was. I also knew a woman who had been a surrogate for others after she had 3 children of her own. If one chooses to do that, not for the money but because they want to help, I think it can be a good thing. There are some people who are just good baby-carriers and who experience pregnancy better than others. But what happens when a surrogate miscarries or gives birth to a stillborn? Or what happens when a surrogate loses her life in childbirth? I've never heard of that happening though I'm sure it has. Then what?
I saw the tv trailor for the oprah IVF hour and felt that stab of pain and heartache that has been my companion for the past few years, if money was no object, and the grief of four miscarriages was behind me, then I would try just about anything so I can't judge anyone and what folks are willing to go through.
Post a Comment