I have had a crappy week--in the sense that I have received a lot of crappy information. Information that isn't necessarily about me per se, but it is feeling hard for me not to worry about. And it just feels like this year, one thing after the next has happened to the people around me, either in my family of origin or my family of choice. And I'm tired. Tired of people being sick. Tired of people facing difficult financial futures. And in some cases I'm tired of struggling with how I am or am not able to help the situation. I don't want to nor in most cases can I come to the rescue, but I still feel like I'm taking on the weight of it. So my question is how do I put down the weight of the world that is not mine. I feel a little like May in The Secret Life of Bees. She loses her twin and then is unable to fully cope with the great suffering in the world. Now I don't think I'm completely where May is. I'm not going to put a big rock on my chest and lay down in the river behind my house. But I get it. I feel the weight of sorrows that aren't mine. Maybe I need my own wailing wall like May had. Some place to let go of what I'm trying to hold on to.
Jazz is playing over the speaker in the coffee shop right now. I think the saxophone is a sad instrument. And at this moment it somewhat reflect the melancholy I'm in.
I'm trying to think about worship on Sunday where I want to talk about gratitude. I'm quoting someone who said "Life is a gift; despair is presumptous." Boy is it hard for me to see life as a gift right now.
2 comments:
I miss you, Dixie. I wish I could put my arms around you and just sob with you for awhile . . . as if that could take it all away.
I guess I'm trying to realize God's abundance when my own experience frequently points out the scarcities around me. I look for God's hand in all things and I give thanks in those little things I see and I'm changed because of that . . . my attitude is changing . . . but I've not been through what you have been through and continue to experience. I don't know if it's helpful at all where you're coming from. And so I offer you a gift of love. I hope it is enough for now.
I think I may know what you're contemplating. Either way....listen to the song Little Hercules by Trisha Yearwood. Your post reminds me of that.
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