Alright, I don't really have much to report. No news from the tests I had run last week. (I didn't really expect to hear anything since my doctor is away this week.) I met with my spiritual director today and really came to the clarity that while there may be something physically wrong with me I'm also depressed. And rightly so. I think I expected the grief over my brother's death to just be all done with. And honestly I wished it had been so. But it is just not the case. So I'm trying to be gentle with myself. I'm fairly certain I'm not clinically depressed--I think I'd be able to admit that if it were so. If I need medication I'm not afraid to ask for it. But right now I'm still getting out of bed even though it is a chore.
I'm grateful for all of you out there. I was talking today about the support I have received. One of the most significant human losses I experienced before this one was the death of my maternal grandfather when i was a senior in high school. He died while I was on spring break and so I didn't miss any school and no one knew when I returned that anything had happened. And I either didn't feel able to be vulnerable with my friends or I didn't really have the type of friends who could fully support me in my grief. But either way I remember feeling alone in that. And so I think I have been playing that tape a lot. Even though I feel much more supported now than I did then. So I have to keep reminding myself that I am not alone.
So that is it.
Peace out!
5 comments:
Grief does suck, and it lingers, and it hides in the grass and behind corners and sucker punches you when you walk past. And yours, really, at around four months, is still pretty fresh. Peace, friend, while you live through it.
Well, you better be in a good mood tonight, fool! :-) Kidding of course! You know you we're here for you to talk about whatever you need to talk about. I think it's very hard when you realize that "normal life" is back and rolling even though so much has changed. It certainly has been for me in the past. I think that's when you have to come up with a way to incorporate the experience and what you've learned into all the stuff ahead. Even though it's in essence, the same old s**t, you're now viewing it from a new perspective and in some ways that can be advantageous. It's just often hard to concentrate on that right away. So don't beat yourself up that this is harder than you thought it would be.
Hi Dixon -- I know I come across as being more biting wit than touchy feely, but I want you to know that I'm thinking about you and I can only imagine how much it sucks ass to be in your shoes. I'm glad, though, that you recognize you've got a pack of power-gays fully behind you and if you ever need anything, we'll be there. Just like the song says: Don't cha know baby yeah yeah, we'll be there...
I'm thinking about what to say . . .
I love you.
Just so you know, the gays aren't the only ones behind you. That's meant to be a supportive comment and nothing else.
Know that you are loved.
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