Sex and the City

Don't have time for a long post, I'm going to a baseball game. But I wanted to quickly post that I saw Sex and the City this afternoon. I triple loved it.

The one downfall is that I came home to download some of the songs from the movie off of Itunes and you have to buy the whole album to get any of the songs. Boooooo!!!!

Alright, off to the game. Who am I kidding I'm off to get a hot dog. Who cares about the game?

Peace out!

Living Together

Well it has been a very eventful day and by that I mean I haven't done much at all. However, I did exercise my constitutional right and responsibility. I voted. In California we still have a June election. I think this would have normally been paired with the Presidential primary but instead we had our primary in February on Super Duper Tuesday--I'm sure that means we wanted to get in on the primary action like everyone else, but unlike Florida and Michigan our votes will count because it wasn't too early. So anyway I voted today because I'll be away next Tuesday, our regular election day.
Beginning on Sunday I'll be in San Diego visiting my friends Mark and Mary Sue and their new children Hannah and Isaac. So the other thing I began doing today was knitting a hat. I made them a baby blanket but I had extra yarn so I'm going to make a couple of hats as well. But other than that I didn't do anything else today except take a nap. Ahhh, sabbatical.
I just finished eating a burrito and I'm drinking a glass of water. Now that is a very important thing to note, it is a glass of water. Before I went to Scotland I drank bottles of water. I would buy cases of it at Safeway or Target and then just grab a bottle out of the refrigerator. I knew that I was more likely to grab a bottle of water than to fill up a glass. But when I went to Scotland, specifically Iona, I really felt connected to the earth. I think I learned clearly for the first time that we are not set up to control or dominate the land nor the rest of the creatures that live on it. Instead we live together, the humans, the animals, the trees, all the living things on the planet. We reside together.
This became clearest to me, I think, the day that I went for a swim while on Iona. (And by swim I mean I got into the water and then got out because it was really, really cold.) I had to walk about 25 minutes to get to the spot that I had chosen to go swimming in. On my way there I passed cows and sheep. Then as I entered this shaded spot I saw a dead lamb. It didn't look as if he had died a violent death but instead had probably found this spot to die. But then as I was sitting on the beach another sheep and lamb just walked right out on the beach with me. We were there together. I wondered if they were grieving the loss of the lamb that had died too young like I was grieving the loss of a lamb that died too young. Was the lamb that died the brother or sister of the lamb that was sharing the beach with me? In that moment we were all there together.
So I've come back with (a) a call to spend more time out doors. Now let's be clear I'm not going camping anytime soon. Although, that might happen at some point. But I am feeling a tug outdoors, hence the hike this weekend. (B) I'm trying to make at least a little change in a behavior that affects the planet and the rest of its residents. I am giving up buying bottled water. I've been filling up a pitcher of water and keeping a water bottle filled as well. So far I'm doing really well. And even better I'm well hydrated--urine is clear, clear, clear. (The water bottle thing also probably has a little bit with the fact that Copey bugged me about water bottles every single day we were traveling together.)

Drinking another glass of water.

Peace out

Happy Memorial Day

Hope you all are gorging yourselves on hamburgers and hot dogs, because really there is no better way to honor all the soldiers who have died than consuming grilled meats. Just like there is no better way to honor past presidents than by buying a mattress. Have you noticed that nearly all of our holidays involve honoring someone or several someones who have died. MLK Day--dead. President's Day--mostly dead. Easter--dead. Christmas--a birth but only because he died in the end. Thanksgiving--dead turkey, and if we are honest you know there were some dead native americans as well.

Now onto other things. I had a great weekend. I went hiking yesterday. You heard me right, hiking. How butch is that? I had a great time. When I was in Iona I really felt connected to the earth and since I returned I have felt a constant tug to the outdoors. So that is what I did yesterday. My friends Clark, Alan and I spent a good part of the day on Mount Tamalpais. If you've read any of Ann Lamott's memoir books she talks a lot about hiking on Mt. Tam. So all while I was there I was on the look out for her. I never saw her. But it was great.

But really what I want to write about is The Wheel of Fortune--I'm watching it now while I'm writing this. It is Dads and Grads week--a grad and there dad are playing together. Well let me tell you they are not bright. Here is my example of how not smart they are. One of the toss up puzzles (A toss up puzzle involves the random filling in of letters and then the first person to buzz in and answer correctly get the money.) was Living Things. The following letters were filled in RED P_P_IES. Well the first team buzzed in and said "Red Puppies." Do they think Clifford the Red Dog is real? The second team buzzed in and said and I am not making this up, "Red Popeyes." Red popeyes? Really? I'm hoping what you graduated from was some vo-tech program where you didn't actually have to learn anything other than a skill and I'm hoping that it was some skill that requires very little actual skill. And that doesn't involve the possibility for the loss of life. Fortunately the last team buzzed in with Red Poppies. The flowers.

So that is it!

Peace!

Adulthood Angst

First of all I'm drinking a cocktail that I fixed myself. Why? Because I can. I had everything for a cosmopolitan except the lime juice and it tastes fine without the lime--although it could use the tartness of the lime. I also saw the new Indiana Jones movie today. It is not as good as the first three but it is fun. Definitely worth seeing on a big screen. I will say that the ending is a little over the top.

Now on to the bigger deal today. I made a step in breaking a family pattern. Now before you get too excited it was not an actual pattern. Instead it was a role I normally play in my family that I live out in other relationships outside the family. I'll explain. I have a friend who I spoke with yesterday and they were in a crisis. Now my instinct was to immediately jump on a plane to go help them or in reality to go and rescue them. This is what my role in my biological family is. When things are in crisis I go there to be a stabilizing influence for the rest of the system. When my brother was sick it was all that I could do to keep myself from rushing to Florida to be there for the rest of my family. And when he died I was there not so much to be with my brother but instead to be there for my family. Now I'll say it isn't as simple as I'm making it sound. I also wanted to be with my family because we were also grieving the same loss, albeit in different ways. But when someone is in crisis I want to be there.

And today the problem was that I knew I couldn't and didn't want to immediately jump in and rescue my friend but how could I tell them that I wasn't going to. I felt to guilty and didn't want to let them down. But I was brushing my teeth when I realized that the person I was letting down was not my mother but instead a friend and the pattern I have established over the course of my life does not have to be the pattern I live out with my family of choice. I knew that I had to tell them but it was so hard. I kept coming up with excuses I could offer as to why I couldn't come instead of actually having to say I don't want to come and that it would be a bad decision for me to make. But in the end I called and told the truth and admitted that it was really hard for me to do that. And of course this person behaved like a healthy person would behave. But my heart was beating and I was so nervous in having to give the news.

Why is it so hard to say what I want? Why is it so hard to live as an adult? I know the answers to these questions. And today I think I made a step towards being a better and healthier adult. I'm a cocktail making healthier adult! Yay for me!

American Idol

David Cook is the winner of American Idol. Normally, I think America chooses the wrong person--voting on who they like best instead of who has the best voice along with the quality that would make someone a star. But this year I think they got it right.

I say they because I didn't actually vote.

Plus, I think David Cook is hot!!!!

George Michael

Alright, I'm watching American Idol. (Don't judge me!) And here is what I want to say: George Michael is performing and (1) he looks bad. I mean bad ya'll. I'm thinking all of the public bathroom sex has been hard on him and (2) he is singing some song that no one knows. I'm sorry if you are someone like George Michael we do not want you to sing something new. We want you to sing something that everyone knows. We want you to sing "I want your sex." I would have said "Faith" or some other such song but the contestants just did that. Now I'm not saying he has to sing "Wake me up before you go go" I'm just saying know what your audience has come to hear. Particularly when you are washed up. I mean if you are someone current go ahead and sing your new stuff, but if you are George Michael or Blondie or whomever sing your hits because lets face it your newest artistic endeavor is never going to sell.

Alright that is enough of my ranting. They are about to announce the winner.

Peace

Scotland Photos

My Scotland photos are now uploaded to Flickr. You can see them at:
http://flickr.com/photos/callmedixie/

Above is an example of the Puffins

Meat on the subway

Wednesday night I took BART, SF subway for those who don't know, to have dinner with a friend. I get on one of the train cars and start walking towards a forward facing seat. It is actually a series of four seats, two and two facing one another. I can't figure out why they are empty in a kind of crowded car. Well as I get closer I realize why. On the floor in between the seats is a pile of steaks. They are still partially in their grocery store wrapping. But they are also just laying there exposed to all who get close. Then what I think is the best part, well one of the best parts, is that that day in the newspaper was a section titled food. Well someone has torn out the large word food from the newspaper and placed it right on top of the meat cairn.
There was a group of guys who were standing next to me who were convinced that it was an art installation, which isn't out of the question for San Francisco. However, I think it was just garbage. The second best part was that there was a brand new sign on the wall right next to the meat saying please keep BART clean. Do not litter. Do not eat on the train. And I guess the meat perpetrator didn't actually eat on the train. That's the reason it was still there right?
I took a picture--not a very good picture because (a) it was on my cell phone and (b) I didn't want to get too close because it was kind of gross. However, i can't post the picture because I don't know how to get it off my cell phone. (If I had an Iphone I would be able to get it on to my computer. Just wait when I get the I-phone in January, it will be all pictures all the time.)

Peace out!

My new symbol

For the past couple of years the symbol that has represented my life/spiritual journey has been the sloth. It is the animal that represents my personality type on the enneagram. However, a few months ago I began thinking that it no longer fit. I thought my new symbol was me coming up out of the water as in baptism. But that is not the case instead I'm fairly certain my new symbol is the bird. Not the raised middle finger but the actual fowl.
I began noticing birds the week before my brother died. My friend Melanie had given me the book, Gift of the Red Bird by Paula D'Arcy. It is a fantastic memoir and spiritual narrative. In the book she writes about a vision quest of sorts that she took spending three days or so in the wilderness by herself. A red bird visited her often during her sojourn in the wilderness and it became her friend in her solitude. One night a terrible storm came up and Paula had to go stay in a nearby cabin. She was worried that the red bird might have been killed in the storm or at least be unable to find her since she had left her camp site. So in the morning after the storm had passed, she opened the door of the cabin and there on the front step was the red bird. My interpretation, not necessarily hers, is that the red bird came to symbolize God's presence with her. I was read this book while I was at my friend Tracy and Dave's house in Tennessee. And as I was finishing this book I looked out the window and there was a red bird. I noticed them all that week.
Then I left for Florida to be with my family. The first night my mother and I were sitting on my brother's back porch. (This was before she broke her shoulder. Have I written down that story yet? I don't know, I'll have to look back.) And my mother said "There is a red bird." I looked but I couldn't see the bird, but she could. Much of my experience with God surrounding my brother's death is that it is enough for me that other people can see and feel God's presence even when I cannot. So it was enough for me to know that my mother could see the red bird but I couldn't.
Then came Staffa. Staffa is a very small uninhabited island north of Iona. The way it has been formed it looks like it is made of columns. It is really beautiful. But Staffa is also where the puffins come once a year to mate or lay eggs or for a pit stop, I don't really know. I just know they come once a year and we were there during that time. Most of the time they stay in the water to protect themselves from the seagulls which are there natural predators. But when humans are on the island they are able to come up onto the cliffs because the humans keep the seagulls away. It took about five minutes and they were right up next to us--sometimes as close as 2 or 3 feet away. It was amazing. (I got some really great photos that I'll share once I upload the pictures to my computer.)
And since I have been constantly noticing birds. I even saw two birds on a window sill in New York City doing it. So the bird is what I am befriending or maybe what is befriending me right now. They are my teachers. And I think there is something about flying that is significant for me right now--the freedom of flight and the open air--the vast sky. I don't know what lessons they will share, but I am going to live with them and notice them. And listen to their songs for the ways that they influence my song.

Peace out

A Dream

I know it has been over a week now since my last post. I am back in San Francisco. I got back last Wednesday after a day and a half in New York. (Saw the new David Mamet play, November.) Then I really had a hard time readjusting to the time--mucho jet-lag. So I'm just now getting back into some sort of rhythm.

There are lots of things I think I'm ready to write about. I want to do some reflection about my trip. I'm fairly certain I'm ready to start writing about my brother's death and funeral. So all of those will come in the days ahead. But for today, or more accurately for tonight since it is already 9:45, I want to write about a dream I had while I was in Scotland. It was probably what will be the first of many dreams involving my brother.

My brother was in a hospital bed. He looked well, not at all like he looked when he died or the weeks leading up to his death when he had lost all muscle and body fat and was merely skin on bone. In the dream he looked like I hope to remember him. But he was still sick and he was still dying. My father was beside the bed showing him some sort of brochure with a picture of a couple. I don't know who the couple was. i didn't have a clear view of them. It was as if my father was telling my brother to wait for them. It seemed as if he was hopeful about something, something that involved them. But my brother said, "I don't think they are going to make it in time." My Dad seemed disappointed but my brother's response came very calmly without much sadness--just a realistic understanding of what was going on. All of this was bathed in a sort of white light, not like heavenly light, but more like those cheesy dream sequences you see on television where all but the focal scene is a misty kind of light. I kind of remember in the dream feeling overwhelmed by emotion and waking myself up with tears or the beginnings of a sob, but I'm unsure about that. But it did at least wake me up because I was able to remember the dream.

Don't really know what my subconscious was or is trying to work out. Don't have a clear sense as to what any of this might mean. But it is important for me to write it down. So there it is. If any of you dream people have any clues feel free to send them this way.

Peace out!

Edinburrrraaa

I didn't write the title because it is cold here, quite the opposite--it is rather pleasant. Instead this is how it is said. I don't know what happened to the "gh." It apparently went the way of the "d" in ceilidh.
We had a good day yesterday, very relaxing for the most part. We saw Dolly the sheep. She is in a glass case and she spins around. Why does it have to spin? You can walk all the way around it.
We also did a tour of Mary King's Close. There is a whole underground city in Edinburgh. The decapitated buildings to use the buildings as a foundation for a new government building. The lower levels are where all the poor people lived and most died due to the plague and all sorts of other difficulties, most of which included human and animal waste. The tour was a bit cheesey but fun. However, they didn't really touch on the social ills that were reflected in the system. But I guess most people wouldn't want to hear about how they basically locked all the poor people in so that they could die without infecting the rich. Oh well.
Then last night we went back to the gay bar where we were told that we were boring by a drunk woman. And here is what I realized: I will never be the bar boy in the tight t-shirt. I will always be the one who is slightly awkward. And at first I thought life is full of grief. We are always grieving something: I'll never be that gay boy. I'll never have the relationship with my family that I want. I'll never be the kind of twin that people think of when they think of twins. But then I thought well why does it have to be grief at all, why can't it be a constant celebration of who I am rather than grieving what I am not. I recognize that it is largely semantic, but it is also a reframing of how I and we see life. Rather than thinking of what we have lost we instead think of what we have been gifted with.
So today we are going to probably go to the modern art museum and maybe see the Queen's ship the Britania that is berthed and being decomissioned here in Edinburgh. But I'm a big groggy today because of all the drinking last night so we'll see how much we do today. Neither of us are the pack all sorts of things into a schedule anyway. Then tomorrow we head back to New York and then Wednesday it is home. I'll be glad to be home where I can sleep in my own bed and wash clothes. All my clothes stink just a little now.
Cheers!

Some Answers

Alright, I'm going to begin today's posts with some answers and responses to some comments on previous posts.
(1) There were 3 female smurfs (a) smurfette, (b) sassette smurfling--apparently there were a group of smurfs called smurflings whose age decreased, the smurflings created sassette, she had red hair and (c) nanny smurf, I guess nanny smurf took care of baby smurf. Found this all on a website devoted to the smurfs. You can google it.
(2) Cider is a delicious alcoholic beverage that is basically apple cider left to ferment. My personal favorite is Scrumpy Jack. It originates in Cornwall in the south of England. I however found it the local gay bar here in Edinburough. The bar is called The Street. We asked a waitress where we might go and she suggested it but it sounded like she was saying "The Straight." This seemed a bit ironic for a gay bar. But after asking her to repeat it a couple of times we just decided to walk to where she was directing us.
(3) Normally they do not have ice in most drinks in the UK. However, I have noticed here in Edinburough that when we ask for a pitcher of tap water they usually bring it with ice in it. I have also noticed that often my cider here in Edinburough comes with ice. That was not the case at the Iona pub nor at a pub right out of the train station. We stopped there yesterday on our way to our guest house. A new friend of our Peter invited us to have a pint before we headed our seperate ways. So anyway I think they might be offering ice more and more for the American tourists who can't imagine life without it. I did however have a tepid canned coca-cola on the train yesterday.

Now with that out of the way I'll just say that we are back in Edinburough for the next two days. We leave for America as they say here on Monday. I'm sure I'll write more about my experience on Iona. I took many pictures that I'll post of few of here and all of on my flikr account. It was really beautiful. A good experience but not quite what I expected. But again more about that later.
Today we hope to see Dolly the cloned sheep. She is at the Scottish Museum. I'm fairly certain she is dead and stuffed as opposed to just wondering freely about the museum. So apparently they were able to create life just not life that was sustainable. Or perhaps they killed her so that they could cut her open and study her. Not a pleasant thought, eh?
We are now staying at the Fraoch Guest House. Two doors down from our guest house last week. Last week's house was run by two lesbians. I had haggis, stuffed sheep intestines. Sounds disgusting but delicious. This house could be run by a gay man, but we are still trying to discern that. I'm imagining that he is and that we will fall in love and I'll move to Scotland for us to run the house together, adopting some international child and living happily ever after. Perhaps I've gotten a wee big ahead of myself.
Favorite new words: (1) Wee-used it above. Used to denote small, but not always. I'm also not quite sure when it is appropriate to use and not. (2) Aye means yes. and (3) Parky, pronounced paaah-key, means cold. For instance "It is beautiful out but a bit parky." That is what our new mate Peter said the last night on Iona.

Alright enough for now. I can write a little more here because the computer use is free here in the house. Yay!

Cheers.