Pride trivia for the day: I love that song "Proud" that Oprah introduced on her show and used for about 15 minutes as her theme song. It was clearly a one hit wonder. But one of the lines was "what have you done today to make you feel proud?" I have it as part of one of my regular i-pod playlists. So there you have it the pride trivia for the day. (I bet you won't get trivia like that anywhere else. But when you are on Jeopardy and the category is "Songs that Dixie Likes" you'll be thankful.)
Last night I went to see a movie that was part of the San Francisco LGBT Film Festival, Frameline (some number in the 30s). The movie was called The Bubble and was set in Tel Aviv. The movie was really good, but that is not the point of this post. I went with my landlord and we were having a conversation about how people behave in social settings. And I was saying that when I go somewhere with someone I focus all my attention, for the most part, on the person I am with. So I don't really notice other people around me. For instance, I'm walking down the street with a friend and they will remark "that guy was really cute." I will have completely missed the hottie because I was focusing on the person I was with. Now in a real sense this is what I think makes me a good friend. Because I really hate when I'm with someone and it is clear that they are somewhere else or checking out everyone else in the room. So, in theory, I think this is a really good trait to have. However, it also makes it difficult for me to meet new people. If I go to a bar with a friend I'm not going to spend time cruising the bar for someone to meet. I hang out with my friends to hang out with my friends. I also think it is a little social anxiety. When I go to a party I hang out with only the people I know or if I don't really know anyone I just stand by myself waiting for someone to come speak to me.
Add to that the fact I have a job which is pretty isolating. Most people have several circles in which they move, work, church, school, etc. But most of my circles are confined to the same place. And I would not date a parisioner, even if I was attracted to one in my congregation. (Don't f.... the flock.) So I really wonder if I'm ever going to be in a relationship. Don't hear this as I'm so lonely, poor me. I really have a great life with good friends and plenty of activities that I really enjoy. I've tried all those ways to meet people, internet dating, etc. And didn't find them all that helpful.
So is it that I really am not going to meet someone or is it that despite what I say I want I really don't want to be in a relationship. Similar to what I was saying in the blog about my body. I say I want to get healthy and lose 15 pounds but I don't really change what I eat. And if that is the case then what is going on? Am I afraid of rejection? Is it related to some internalized homophobia or self hatred? I don't know. For whatever reason I am not in a relationship and most likely it is that I am not ready. So for now I'm just going to try and wait and be patient and know that when I am ready I will be presented with an abundance. And for now I'll just be a good friend.
1 comment:
I can't tell you how much it means to me to have a good friend like you. I have been trying to meet other "mommies" lately and I absolutely hate it when I am in the middle of a conversation with someone and then they notice someone else and cut me off mid-sentence. I've been noticing it happens a lot. What I love about you is that you DO listen -- with both ears and both eyes. You care enough to say, "I'll catch up with them later. It's you and me right now." I try to do the same and look, I'm married. There are others looking for that quality. And when you are introduced to Mr. Wonderful, he'll look you in the eye in the same way and listen without any distraction. If I see a hottie down here, I'll let you know. But you know how rare that is in Central FL unless you want a rodeo guy . . .
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