So I began the day with a pilates/yoga class down the street at Ki-Ki Yo Studio. I do this class two days a week, Tuesday and Thursday mornings. It is a great way to begin my day, although, most days I really don't want to get out and do it . (Except I will say it is easier on Thursdays because usually there is this really hot guy who is also in the class.)
Later in the day I went to the beach. We are having an unusual warm spell. Many people who don't live in California think that California is sunny all the time. Well that may be the case in Southern California but in Northern California and particularly in San Francisco that is not the case. As a matter of fact normally in San Francisco over the summer it is really cold. So needless to say the fact that it was sunny and warm was something to celebrate and take advantage of. And the way I do that is by going to the beach. I went to Baker Beach. It is a beautiful beach with a great view of the Golden Gate Bridge. It is also a clothing optional beach. And yes I get naked.
Now here is the thing. One would think that I have to be really comfortable with my body to get naked in public. And I would like to think that I am. But I know I'm not. I basically take off my shorts while still sitting down and then never stand up. I'm doing pilates not because I want to lead a healthy life style but instead because I want to look good. This year I had two goals. One was to be in a musical, which I was. The other was to love my body. I'm about half way through the year and I'm not sure I'm any closer to my goal. Every time I see myself in a mirror I hold my stomach. I want to lose 15 pounds. And I'm conpletely self-conscious when I'm out on the beach. What I'm realizing is that while my goal for the year is to love my body, I really don't mean it. What I really want to do is to love some other body--the body that I don't have.
So here is my question, what does this mean? How do I get to a point that I love my body but not be satisfied with being unhealthy and out of shape? Heart disease runs in my family, so a belly is not a good idea. And I definitely don't think I should be satisfied if I look like I'm pregnant, like I saw today. (Seriously, there was a man who's belly was so big you couldn't see his package.) So how do I do it? How do I love my body?
I think this is going to take longer than a year
3 comments:
Hey there, Brian. This is cool.
I've come to realize that accepting our bodies is really about accepting ourselves. Maybe you look in a mirror and wish you were pounds thinner or more muscular...and for health reasons, that is probably good. But,in terms of who and what we are, it's our souls/hearts that count. You will be loved and respected for that and not how your body looks. Someone who will truly love you will not be looking at your body but who you are...your geshtalt, so to speak.
I never thought I would ever be attracted to much less able to love someone with a belly and yet I'm finding myself able to move past my partner's belly because I truly love his heart....I'd like him to be thinner but it doesnt keep me from loving him and enjoying all aspects of our relationship.
You are a very special person...that wont escape your besheirt (Yiddish for "meant to be"). You know how thin I am...I'm really self conscious about that and yet I'm learning to accept that as me and realize that what I have to offer is not tied into my physical presentation. If peoiple judge me negatively on my physical appearance, I've come to realize that their judgement of me has no value to my life.
You are an incredibly special person. I feel so blessed to have crossed paths/journeys with you.
I'm not a blogger but you are special to me. I'll try to remember to check in once in awhile.
xoxo
Dixie: First, I am so glad that you are blogging. I LOVE your stories and how you turn them into life questions so naturally. You are defnitely a born pastor. I also love how you are unafraid to be yourself, or, in the naked case, to attempt to be comfortable with who you are. That being said, a story comes to my mind.
While Bill was working with a chiropractor, one of the other employees mentioned one day how she and her husband had decided to "perform" in front of the camera. When they later watched it (she and her husband, not the staff) she confessed that here she had felt so sexy like some of those movies and such, but then when she watched the thing it was dang ugly. That being said, I think a lot of body image is about how we experience ourselves, not how we look to others. If you watched yourself sitting short-less on the beach, you may be repulsed. If, however, you experienced the sun on your "all over" and it made you happy, then perhaps you felt beautiful.
I am heavy and I'm aware of that. I am also aware that I don't look like I'd like, but I'm trying to be happy with my body as it is because it is the only body I do have right now. My mother was always heavy and hated her body. I grew up knowing that she was not happy with her looks. About 4 years ago she had stomach bypass surgery and lost a ton of weight. She's healthier and has a lot more energy. But she still doesn't like her body. Last year she had a tummy tuck. This year she wants to consider other cosmetic surgery. I just want her to know how beautiful she is to me as she is. She's my mother. What made me sad was not that she was unhealthy before, but that she hated her body. It still makes me sad. She's a goregous woman and now she's healthy too. I want to love myself no matter what I look like because it's the loving myself that brings peace and contentment. I've probably written too much, but I hope you'll be able to love your body in the same way. Sure, work on it, keep it healthy, but when I look at you I see one of my best friends. Granted, I've not seen you naked and don't intend to, but what I see is beautiful. I hope you recognize that too.
Hey Dixie:
Nice blog, girlfriend! I hear what you're saying about loving your body--I think it's a common struggle. I would definitely echo the sentiments others have expressed. Our worth does not come from our outward appearance.
At the same time, I will say that over the last several months, I've learned how good it can feel to create new, healthy habits in my life. It's not about losing weight, but about loving myself and caring for myself in some new ways.
In talking with someone last week, I realized that for years I was unhappy with my body, but I didn't want to have to work to change it. I either wanted to wake up thinner or wake up okay with being overweight. And I knew neither was going to happen. Then at some point, something shifted and I was ready to make a change. I think it may have been connected with finally living out my vocation.
In so many areas, you have set goals and accomplished them. Musicals, marathons...you're amazing. If you decide a healthier lifestyle is one of your goals, I have no doubt you'll achieve it. In the meantime, celebrate all you have accomplished--including just being naked at the beach. For many of us who grew up being taught that sexuality and our bodies are shameful, dirty things, being naked anywhere, much less on a public beach, is a real triumph.
You go, Dixie!
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